about a guy named mike

he was born jan-michael suzon on august 22, 1981.

he is a leo. an avid rock fan, a frustrated painter and an inspiring writer. he sees the world through visuals and words. he likes chicken gizzard. he likes the color black. he has an inspiring fascination on suns and moons and stars and the world in between. he likes poetry — the only person i knew who can kick me ass on the written word. he loves to smile. he’s the only person i knew who managed to impress my dad. he loves to look at sunset and spend time at the harbor. he loves jazz, and secretly — has a westlife album (allow us to be frank) and swore like a pirate when he’s mad. he wears rimmed glasses, since he reads to much comics and magazine. his only indulgence — as a man, is his collection of FHM magazines and Heavy Metal comics. He goes crazy over Mage Knights — the only time he forgets that i exist is when he is deep in tournament mode. And man, he plays really good.

Jan-Michael…or Mike wears his heart on his sleeve. he’s not ashamed to cry, the same time he is not ashamed to put me to my place when i am wrong (which is most of the times). he spoils me silly. he is well loved by my brother and my sister — he understands my brother best. he is well-loved by my whole family, by our cats, kittens and even my dog who died a few months ago. he doesn’t mind walking 6 miles to see me (or whatever the length of sta. mesa going to makati)right in the middle of a pouring rain.

mike loves to sing, his secret indulgence is to fantasize on being a rock star. that’s why he watches rockstar:inxs like mad. he thinks marty would win, but i am putting my sights with mig. he hates it that i drool over brandon boyd, or that i go crazy with incubus. yet he watched the concert with me and even joined me at the mosh pit. there, he risked getting injured trying to protect a demented girlfriend from the mosh.

when i cry sometimes, he would gently whisper to me inane jokes to make me smile. he loves to hug and kiss me. his fondest wish is for me to leave NN and just find work elsewhere — so that he doesn’t have to deal with annoying vessel crews and an even annoying travel order. he bleeds when i am my bitchy self yet still accepts me for the moron that i am. mike, tough he maybe on the outside is a sweet mixture of unconditional love and acceptance. something i am most grateful for.

he was born jan-michael, but for me he is simply mike. my mike. my strength and my shield. my only sense of reason. my guilty conscience. my harshest critic. my number one fan (he is the chairman and president of lani mesias fans club inc. >:) hehehe!)

to me, he is the half of my soul. he is my anam-cara. my morale booster. my number enemy for times that i reveal my bratinella self. he is my provider. he is my comfort. he is my life.

he is mike. my boyfriend. my bestfriend.

i love you baby…happy birthday…

weird love vibes courtesy of TERE and LYNN

i’m still at the office, listening to my friends’ amazing lovelives. for reasons that border on privacy and such let’s hide them by their aliases — TERE and LYNN (hahahaha). i love these gurls to pieces, they actually make me smile even at my gloomiest day. tere and lynn — inspite the fact that they both look like six graders on the first day of school– have very active and cringe worthy love lives. i actually love listening to their stories and they never failed to make smile and say "woooooow…"

currently, these girls are at the cross roads.and the story begins here…

if you fall in love with someone, does it automatically mean that you are fully, truly committed to that someone? when you promise you heart and handed it over on a silver platter to someone special, can you not take it back? can’t you say, "hey…i made a mistake. i kinda loved you but i needed to spread my wings too — you know what i mean?" because sadly, sometimes it doesn’t work that way. it ALWAYS doesn’t work that way. once you say that magic "i-you know-you’s" with someone, YOU"RE SUPPOSED TO HONOR IT. you’re supposed to stay in love that way, regardless if your seatmate looks like brandon boyd as he stepped out of the bath tub…you have to honor that commitment…NO MATTER WHAT.

What if you happen to meet someone and that someone — interestingly — left you weak in the knees, your heart doing silly flip-flops, your ears hearing weird music in the background. say, what if that someone made you all gooey and stupid, made you do mad, stupid things yet made you truly happy and warm inside… WHAT NOW?! what about that commitment now huh? cos obviously you cannot hand over your heart on a silver platter anymore to that someone — cos as we speak it’s now enshrined on some weird altar — courtesy of the person you first promised your life too. DILEMMA! cos even if you speak a thousand promises and tell him or her a thousand  "i-you know-you’s" , in the end…YOU JUST CANNOT BE. cos in the end, you are truly, happily committed to someone. and the most you can do is HONOR the love given to you by that someone. Or at the most, respect the person and his feelings. This you can do by not being such an asshole and promising empty longings to PERSON NUMBER TWO, just because!

Di ba…LyNN?

or can a guy automatically just change his mind. consider this. for girls, have you ever encountered a guy who fell hard, feel deep into you? you know — the basic cutesy romeo…he’d move heaven and earth and that great big ship called MQP just to see you. he’d buy you flowers and chocolates and candy and all the things that’s supposed to make you weak in the knees. he’d call/text you like as if he’s on unlimited forever. he’d bother you with cutesy names and aliases, bother you with promises that’d put romeo to shame. he’d die for you, eat fear factor stuff for you, hell — even swim through manila bay for you…

…then suddenly, KAPUT! end of the story. he just turned iced cold. can they just change their mind as easy as that. isn’t there any warning buttons, sirens and even on-air reminders telling you, the helpless gurl — THAT HEY, HE JUST CHANGED HIS MIND. HE DOESN’T WANT YOU ANYMORE?!

now what? empty spaces…a litany of should have beens and could have beens and what ifs and buts? or damn, woman…you can just move on.

TERE, you hearing me…

love vibes…

hey, at least this keeps me away from cutting my wrists…

i’m going down

i have no idea life can be messier than expected sometimes. i spent the last days holed up in my room, crying for unknown reasons, wishing i was dead, got a lot of stooopid things in my life lately. felt like im in dire need of pyschological help — or some good old, shrink whatever. im so sad.

ever had days when u feel like u’ve won the lotter (tax-free) and then, in just a matter of seconds, suddenly feel this unspeakable dread. i’ve been experiencing such for a few days now. i know this speaks highly of my emotional and psychological health…HAHAHAHA! dont worry people, i’m not about to shoot people at random or push them offhand to this dirty, disgusting filth disguising itself as manila bay and ship docking area. got a lot of things in my head lately, and for some reason — i solely wish to talk to mike (my martyr boyfriend) — i know only he is capable of clearing away these ugly thoughts in my head.

i feel like i’m so friggin tired of everything lately. i hate where i am right now (work); i hate being around people; i hate what i do; i hate my clothes; i friggin’ hate everything. well, hate everything maybe except for mike and my two bratty sibs thet and vins whom i adore in spite their bratty behaviour sometimes.

i feel so sad. sad about missed oppotunities and a lot of things in between. i’m so sad. i’m so sad cos i wish i can still be the same old person whom i still respect. i don’t know if i still respect nowadays. all i know is that i just want things to shut-up and leave me alone, or better yet — die. (sigh) life never ceases to amaze me, annoy me, friggin’ surprise the hell out of me.

god, i need help. the scars on my wrists seemed a testament to that…