look…up in the sky!

in a few days, Superman Returns will screen in local theaters — and with that, my childhood will officially come full circle.

see, my earliest childhood memory was sitting in a dark theater with my dad, watching intently as the credits for Superman IV rolled by. that single event benchmarked my lifetime obsession with "supes…" and i am sure, more than 2 decades later, i will again sit on another movie house (albeit a more high tech one), this time with my siblings and mike, and watch — and even feel this weird deja vu — as the credits rolled by.

as a kid, i insisted on having superman lunchboxes, superman toys, superman comics and even the occassional shirt. i started looking out for other movies featuring christopher reeve — my childhood hero and crush — and never got tired of watching superman and the whole series over and over and over. to me, superman embodied the quintessential hero, someone with so much power yet in his human form, is the embodiment of a total klutz. superman as clark kent is clumsy, akward and at times frail and weak. yet, with his superhero persona, he can do so much to change the world, he can even bring back time.

i remember back in college, i had a classmate (that would be you, nathan) who’s sole purpose in life is to make fun of me cos i’m a superman fanatic. and because he knows much more than i do when it comes to comics and their corresponding mythology, he would always act like the stuck-up brat that he is each time the topic is me and my superman. our daily asaran conversation would be like this:

nathan: hehehehe…stooopidman…look! up in the sky…i’m stoopidman!

me: is not…ano ba? tigilan mo ko (naiinis na)

nathan: talaga naman eh. stupid yang hero mo. yung brief asa labas…

me: eh sa costume nya yun (inis na talaga) ano ba!?! dun ka na nga…! (tapos magwo-walk out na dahil sa inis)

my little childhood crush with christopher reeve aka clark kent aka superman went on and on until i was in college and til i was working woman. i went on to become a journalist, inspired by lois lane and her gutsy attitude and in search for my very own clark kent (lest you asked, i didn’t find any clark kent — lex luthor madami!). after i have become disillusioned with writing, i transfered into the corporate life yet never ceased to channel my very own lois lane (hehehehe…ambisyosa talaga no?).

with all the superman merchandise flying off the shelves, i can’t help but feel like a kid again — five years old and very much excited on having the newest superman toys there is. and maybe this is  the reason why even as an adult, i will never cease to be a fan. superman brings out the kid in me, the five year old whose contentment is measured with a simple superman shirt and a superman toy.

in a world where we all run just to be at pace with others, in the daily grind of the rat race…won’t it be pretty sometimes when we can be transported to the time when we were kids, and we believe that once we look up in the sky, we’ll see our hero, off again to save the day. kryptonite nonewithstanding.

midnight madness.

inspite of the title, no this post is not about shopping (though that is one activity that i have gotten used to). this is about insomnia and all that random shit one gets to entertain when its already midnight and yet your brain and your eye just refuses to cooperate.
for the record, i am not yet sleepy. how can i when it seemed that this inability is one tragedy that seemed to stuck so well into my whole being. come to think of it…what does one do when your body just refuses to fall asleep and you are left to contend with the darkness, your thoughts and an array of what ifs and could ifs. you have no choice but to write or think, or write and think…in random manner possible.
it never worries me that i may have an appointment tomorrow — more like a social activity actually since me and some bunch of people from my old company would be hanging out together as we bid our (former) boss goodbye. apparently, our mentor has also quit the company a few days back. quite frankly, i feel sad about my former company. so many good people are leaving and finding opportunites elsewhere. take note that by saying so, i accidentally  included myself on the list of "so many good people" (haha). i also have to work on something for work tuesday. but i digress…
what do i have to deal with when insomnia hits me. well, i think about the following: work, family, my significant other, random people and cars (this one as my current obsession). sometimes, i have to fear for my own sanity since there’s just too much brain activity happening at this hour. maybe this has also become a sort of an outlet for the things that just lurk at the back of my mind during random hours…maybe at this hour, this is the opportunity for these random thoughts to pop out and claim valuable time.
i think about my family a lot. i know i have a messy relationship with my mom. we always argue — like we’re two polar opposites, which will never meet no matter what. we argue about everything: clothes, beliefs, religion, etc sometimes it’s just too tiring. but deep inside i know that no matter what happens, my mom will always be my mom and i will continue to love in her in my own way through my own means. her, and my dad — they provide me the kind of sanity that any other person cannot. well, mostly they drive me crazy but at the end of the day, they’re my parents. and no one can ever top that. i know, even if i struggle to project a tough image, i will always cry on my dad’s shoulder, or do something to get my mom’s attention…i will always be the protective ate to my crazy siblings. in the end, no matter where i go, or no matter what i achieve — i will always go back to my family.
i also think a lot about my relationship. we have been through a lot — hell, highwater, all of it, misery and despair combined. yet we have managed to hold on for so long — inspite EVERYTHING. i guess its just amazing how love and commitment can make you hold on unto hope. people say that there’s nothing sure in this world. but we’ll never know do we?
i think about random people. people i guess who caught my attention and made me look twice. these are the people who inspired me. maybe because they have done something good or maybe because they are amazing persons with amazing purposes in life. there are people like that. right now, i keep on thinking about this person who currently impresses me no end: hardworking, committed, with great sense of values and a killer sense of humor…the fact that i saw this person wearing pink also added to the reasons why i am awed by this person’s existence (what the f*ck)…i was just convinced that if only a great part of humanity possessed the values that i saw from this person — then maybe, we can see a more responsible society. it’s not like i’m putting this person in a glory bubble. after all, this person is still a person — with flaws and a lot of mistakes within. but still…
i think about work because i have to. because i know come tuesday, i will again go back to my responsibilities. this is self-explanatory. and cars? let me just say, i am currently drooling on the possibility of being inside one.
it’s almost a quarter past 12… i guess i need to turn it if i don’t want to start the day lethargic tomorrow. so, i will turn this thing off, turn in in my bed, shut my eyes and will try to sleep…praying, that finally sandman will come visit me in my dreams.

writing, blogging and everything in between

i always thought that i’d be a writer or some kick-ass journalist until i get old. but then reality has to rear its head and i have to take some things into consideration. so, after 3 years — tops — writing for a living, i shifted for a career on corporate communications.

its funny though. when i was in college, i was so convinced that i will never be part of the "system"… that i will never let the system consume me — i will never work nine to five, wear corporate attires or even use words such as "proactive", "revenue" and "inflation". i was an artist, a free spirit and i will remain as such. guess who i am now. the moment i got that blank piece of paper, i learned that in real life, you have to work, to compromise to survive. i tried writing but well…fate has other plans for me. so here i am…working from 830 to 530, wearing corporate attires and yeah, well acquainted with the same words that i detest. do not get me wrong. i love my job. i love where i am working now — and even my past company. i love what i am doing. the funny thing is — i can see myself grow old doing what i do now.

so…what then is the reason for the simple rant? this confession. nothing really except that there are instances when i mourn the death of that free spirit that i used to claim as me. this is one of them. funny that i now rely on a blog to organize and communicate my thoughts when i used to have this love affair with paper and ink. i remember when i was young, the highlight of my day would always be writing on my journals. i would use red and black ink to convey my emotions (i was not big on pink then). i would write all those silly crushes and dreams and thoughts. but then i became busy and i have to do things on the side. so, all my journals were now wrapped in duty free plastic and stored somewhere — my words now covered in dust

i am lucky that what i do now allows me to use the creative part of my brain. it is also fortunate that the people i work with allowed and appreciated my ideas — no matter how over the top or insane they maybe. when i used to do sales, i felt like i was in hell — no offense to sales professionals. i guess there are people that are gifted with the ability to persuade and encourage random people. i am not just that type. i always tell my friends who are in sales that they are one of a kind. i can never be someone who is so patient, so flexible, so understanding to someone that i never knew personally. i cannot stand bitchy, arrogant, egomaniacs who powertrip just because they are potential clients. i say f*ck off. it is thus only a matter of time that i have decided to quit my job and look somewhere else. and honestly, i am glad i made that choice.

i have a tendency to keep to myself what i really feel. this inspite the fact that i can be noisy and over the top kulet when i want to. isn’t it ironic. but yeah that’s me. while i am a paragon of the quintessential millenium working girl (read: fashionista, well-travelled, with set values and own point of views, at times kikay and bratinella pasaway and a royal biatch sometimes) — i am still someone who doesn’t usually share my thoughts and feelings to people unless i truly, truly trust them. the fact is, i seldom share my thoughts even with my family — i don’t know why. but i can be secretive sometimes. i just don’t have the ability to easily open up and say "this is what i really feel…" come to think of it, this maybe the reason why i was drawn to writing — this is the opportunity for me to say what i really want to say without people easily judging me or saying "you’re wrong…"

someday, i will again take up that pen and paper and write on a newly minted journal. i will again paste pictures of people i love and write those silly comments about how one event has translated itself into a lifetime memory. i will again make collages on that same notebook, stencil letters and even carve my name and that of the people i love into leather and paper. i will again compose prose and poetry.

someday, when i have the time — i will gather all my past journals and bound them together into one big book. that was the story of my life, part one. but for now, i have to contend to typing these words, entrusting to a machine and a random system of codes –all my thoughts, rants and raves, my memories, my dreams and all that was me. but someday, i promise — i will collect all of these, print it…as i begin to write the succeeding chapters of my life.

untitled.

here’s another poem i recently did during "one of those days"

words can cut just as deep

     as the sharpest knife.

empty, hollow, meaningless words.

same words yet your eyes

betray your lies.

it hurts more cos i have always believed –

random promises, blueprint of dreams.

empty, hollow, meaningless words

pure semantics.

an arrangement of vowels, consonants and sounds

never knew something so innocent,

so basic, can hurt as much.

now deep inside i bleed,

little by little i die.

inside i die. inside i bleed.

empty, hollow, meaningless words

what i like

i really want to write something this very moment. this very hour. i have a feeling that it is only thru prose that i will get to have a true-blue moment of peace. it’s like brain exercise.

anyway, i called this entry my "like list". this is because these are the things, music, people and random whatever that i am currently addicted to right now. these are the things that i like. want. need. whatever. as long as it’s here — it’s important to me. note: past likes not included.

1. guys in pink shirts - there’s just something cute and masculine and overly fasyon when hot-blooded males wear pink shirts. they look so HOT u’d want to kiss them. i know guys used to scoff at the color peeeenk (my fave color after black) but hey — apparently the onset of the new millenium has bought some fashion know-how to enlightened males. so, guys in pink shirts…you’re so hot you damn rock!

2. giniling festival - nope this is not the new culinary sensation…this indie rock group is slowly making its presence felt in the local music scene. i go crazy with their songs. kinda reminded me of parokya ni edgar when they were still cool and fresh and naughty (sorry PnE fans…don’t mean any harm). basta, when i got an awesome deadline to catch…my brother’s recorded songs of giniling festival helps the creative juices flow (am listening to them now…)

3. C2 green tea - i drink the green one almost five times a day…i am that addicted. i even drink it when it’s not ice cold and has been left sitting on my desk for so long (gross, i know)…but hey it works for me. so if C2 wanted someone to swear by its product — call me, you don’t even need to convince me.

4. cars - i never knew i would be addicted to cars. the racing types to be exact (miata).but two days at the subic raceway and second hand adrenaline rush has left me computing endless possibilities per hour on how i can buy my own car. race car, to be exact. naks…gusto pa yata umeksena at maging race car driver!

5. photography — been always a passion but my current work has unearthed this longing to do freelance and photo shoot styling.

6. laughing with my new office mates - i like the feeling of laughing ur brains out sometimes it’s just crazy. my new officemates makes me crazy sometimes. they have the nicest hirits that can put dolphy to shame. (example? anong lugar ang pinakamalaki sa buong mundo? ano? san simon? baket kasi…SUN na SEA pa MOON pa!) –> see my point? now tell me if you won’t go crazy and shoot yourself. hahaha! we laugh all the time we’re starting to become notorious. we’re like cokeheads on a laughing trip.

7. lee ji hoon - lee ji hoon played henry in the soap "wonderful life" — he’s also my current obsession.

8. the word "dude"

9. internet surfing - was never big on surfing before. but maybe because now ive go surfing to know about my fave korean actors/actresses, write this blog, random researches that my way to unwind now is done through the net.

10. subic. nuff said =)

a poem inspired by random stories at work

one thing that i like about my new job is the sheer number of amazing human beings that i get to encounter. i work for a depatrtment that consists of giggling, kick-ass girls who make you swing from one extreme to another.

the stories i hear from these people — especially those concerning love, and the recipients thereof can be an amazing script for a new sweet kilig courtesy of abscbn. stories border from the extreme. each story — when told — is magnificently punctuated by a chorus of "aaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeee…" with the distinct accent of colegialas bordering on harajuku girls.

anyway, when we are not working our asses of…we exchange stories, dirty jokes, experiences and fashion tips….sometimes, we exchange looks as we look on the outside and see the common sin of the whole marketing department (rachelle, mitch, cindy, len — u know who this is, right?)

i am 3 weeks old but the kind treatment (bordering on hazing and initiation. haha) accorded to me has given me the opportunity to write a poem about the common love malaise that is currently plaguing marketing. a word of caution. this is a love poem so for those who will cringe — bear with me.

here goes.

TEQUILA LOVE SONG.

because i am committed,

my thoughts, my dreams meant for someone else

as years and dreams and memories intertwine

i said to myself — yes — maybe this is but a dream

because now, i know i have sinned.

sinned, lied — confusion follows.

how can history repeat itself

i taunt myself.

weakness lies beneath a flurry of what ifs, could ifs

cos maybe deep inside i know –

we — this thing masquerading as we –

never was, never will be.

so tomorrow will again come,

a promise of a new day.

where yesterdays can be filed and classified

between mistakes and promises.

…will i forget? will you forget?