surprisingly alone.

Posted on August 30, 2006 by lunaravenstar.
Categories: Uncategorized.

It’s weird, being alone–i tell you.

for the longest time, i was part and parcel of the whole universe, i was at the core of it…the center of the whole spectrum that was the planet and the stars. but then–like Pluto–I feel like a perpetual outsider. as planets and people collide, in my parallel universe, i walk alone and on my own.

there are days when the feeling just becomes so unbearable. everyday, i haul my carcass to my office–tired, bones aching and brain a thousand miles away from where it should be. it’s sad. while at work, the highlight of my day is to list all the things that i should finish for the day–then cross each one out as i go from one task to another. i don’t know if i am sick, desperate or both. all i know is that i’m lonely…so freaking lonely.

everynight, when the feeling’s just so unbearable–i cry endlessly. on the phone while talking to my long-suffering boyfriend; as i sleep, laying on my bed; while writing on my journal. i cry, i so damn cry.

ever felt so alone in spite being around so many people? i do…i always do now. as i laugh and make people laugh their heads off, inside me–there’s just indifference. i do know that i am amidst good people–and i am thankfully to have met them, but still i can’t explain why there are times when i just clam up and feel like a thousand miles away from where i was.

maybe, this is just a phase…i really don’t know.

but i just don’t wanna be alone anymore.

1 comment.

let it burn.

Posted on August 25, 2006 by lunaravenstar.
Categories: Uncategorized.

there are times when you feel like screaming and shouting, you hate yourself, you hate the people around you, you hate the weather, the frickin’ dude who smelled like shit beside you in the fx…you hate the government, you hate the price of gas and oil and burger and oh, even your favorite coffee fix. you hate your mere existence and you hate yourself for feeling this way.

welcome to life. take a number then please fall in line.

i used to feel a lot like this way. everyday existensial angst…(existensial angst at 27–pathetic). i used to always look for the hidden agenda on everything and everybody. i trust no one–saved from my family, my mike and my bestfriend lizeth. after a while, life feels like a B-movie trapped in replay. you cannot turn that damned TV off no matter what you do. you hate looking at the cringe-worthy parts but you remain a prisoner of sordid scenes and awful moments. you just wish to push that stop button and be done with it.

there’s so much that has happened in the last 3 months. i quit my job of 2 years and joined another company who i felt challenged me more. and i was right. yeah, the company i work for now is a great one–great HR projects, cool people, challenging responsibilities and bigger opportunities. but you know, there are times like i feel like a perpetual outsider. maybe because i am still trying to adjust to new people. new ideas, new culture, new way of life. oh, i have new friends here–right, but i will be lying if i say that i don’t look for the familiar faces of people i have been working with for the last 2 years. sometimes, i still question myself if i have done the right thing–leave my old company and work here. i think about the familiar (yet undeniably excruciating) smell of the pier and sometimes i still wish that i’m still there. but when i see the opportunities presented to me here, the learning process, the people that i have become friends with–i remember that life is a process. a process wherein you have to move on and discover new things in order to grow.

yeah, there are days when all i feel is the emptiness…as i go by work like a precision-conscious robot. sometimes, days pass by like a blur–like one swift passing of clouds.

and then i remember, you got to live, breathe, exist.

and all we can do is let old memories, what-could-have-been’s burn…

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