ever felt the agony of having to battle with your conscience over something that you should have done, but chose not to because you want people not to feel like you’re one stupid goody two shoes?
i did. and it was the most shameful feeling that i have ever felt in my whole life.
someone got hurt and insulted today and i was there and i was a part of it. i chose to keep quiet because i was afraid to be singled out, to be called names, to be called "square"
for the rest of the afternoon, the feeling of being a coward bugged me no end. M told me that there are things beyond my control, maybe she’s right. but the mere fact that i was there and chose to kept quiet still bothers me.
it saddens me how people can be cruel sometimes. how we can disregard the emotion of other people. are we born to inflict pain?
"oh lord that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! let your hand be with me, and keep me from evil so i will cause no pain…"
- the prayer of jabez
it amazes me how the list of people we meet in life maybe endless, but their characters sometimes are mere cliches
it makes me angry, how can i be so affected of the people around me when in turn i am just a mere statistic, a coincidence in their eyes.
the circumstances in life and of fate molds our characters, but aren’t we in control of who we want to become?
i am asking this because i wonder sometimes of why and how people turn out to be. i am not being righteous–for i am far less worthy than some. i acknowledge that i too has some shortcomings and weird mood swings and weird views and priorities in life. but this is me–i revel in my imperfection.
this same reason also holds true for some. we must of course appreciate them for who they are, and respect them for who they chose to be. RESPECT–being the operative word.
again, this post is just random shites nothing more, nothing less. it is 3 in the morning and i need to sleep. but i need to write..my mind’s been reeling in anticipation for the opportunity to finally pour everything out that’s been bothering me these past few days. it’s been keeping me edgy. these thoughts, they kill me.
again…on my cast of characters. why must people be senseless bullies? you know these people…they cover their insecurities in a flurry of hollow thoughts and egotistical manoeuvrings. they chose to strike fear and false authority on other people by asserting their power and its fake display. used to getting what they want when they want it, at the end of the day they go home on empty homes, their hearts as empty as before. they hang on to a coterie of hangers-on–usually composed of the ambitious, brainless, spineless and desperate–hoping to impress upon the unfortunate victim the immensity of their power. just because.
why must people be blinded by greed in exchange for their souls? ive read somewhere that the devil’s power on earth is represented by the lure of the gold. i cannot–for the life of me–fathom sometimes why people chose to sell their souls in exchange for a life amongst gods and golds. must this be the deal?
one of my friends told me that to lead people to evil–you must blind them with impressions of beauty, wealth, fame, power and influence.
i now believe him.
