I don’t need your SH*T!

how do you explain to someone who’s steadfast in her twisted beliefs that there is simply nothing that she can do to sway your belief in yourself?
i had it with bullies–people who assert their twisted beliefs by virtually harassing you or by making you feel inferior or unwanted.
it’s a sad tale — how does a person become a bully?
usually a bully is someone who has immense inferiority complex–someone who believes that in spite whatever god given talent or gift she has in her — is simple not enough JUST BECAUSE someone is definitely prettier, sweeter, smarter or much more human. A bully asserts her "superiority" by harassing the hell out of people– threatening commands, getting some body else’s things just because or spewing lewd words that is usually credited to someone belonging to the lowest of the low. A bully revels in her affiliation to people of power…they have this twisted belief that this level of power often times is translated by mere proximity alone.
have you ever been bullied?
i am…i was…until i just couldn’t take the shit anymore and got out of the cycle of pretense.
my story is simple: i used to be friends with this person who would oftentimes bully me into submission. she’d (along with her lackeys) would bully me into covering up for their lapses. and me, like the COWARD that i am, would cover up for her, i would lend her things and money just because i don’t want to look like the "odd one out".she was always the best. she needs to have the last word and wouldn’t accept any explanation for anything. her twisted sense of justice caters only to her and to those who are willing to be "mere shadows"–the "yes maam/sir" types who would go, eat, breathe, drink and ingest any garbage that she spews.
i was afraid of fighting back because i was afraid of being alone.

but then, i began to meet people who shared my values and my belief in life. they are the ones who would not hesitate to tell it to your face if you are crossing the line of professional ethics. these people do not take shit from no one–and i am glad to have met them.
so here i am. i am definitely not part anymore of the "blessed few" in her eyes, but i could not care shit. i am free and i am determined to focus on the more important things in my life: like my family, my JOB, PR, my true friends, my mike…myself. as long as i have my family, and the people who are truest to me–then i am a happy bitch.

sylar syndrome

i’m about to finish my new indulgence…which surprisingly is a western tv show: "heroes". been watching it over the long weekend–which explains circles ’round my eyes (my good friend M says i look like a panda–a sabog na panda).

anyway, 3 days of nothing but "heroes" will surely rub on anyone. for me, i’ve decided on which character i like best. at first i thought it was isaac mendes, the painter with a power of precognition but then again…

…there’s sylar — the kick-ass super villain.

sylar is a serial killer…he is thirsty for power thus he steals them from other "gifted"  people by slicing their skulls open and getting their brains. sylar doesn’t want to be someone ordinary–he believed he is destined for something greater. he refuses to be ordinary and will stop at nothing just to achieve greatness. Obviously, he has come to amass so much power due to the sheer number of people he has killed. he has no remorse — except when he learned that he will kill almost half of new york city by turning into a human bomb (something which peter petrelli–an empath–also believed to be his doing).

I relate the best to sylar–not because i’d like to kill people, though there are times that i’d like to randomly push some of my officemates off an edged cliff– but because he believes in his destiny. he refuses to be some crap, some boring old watch maker. why settle? when a bigger and better destiny is at hand. he knows he is fated for greatness and will not stop at nothing just to get there.

maybe that’s the way i am feeling right now. i refuse to be just some employee sitting on my chair from 9 to 6, waiting for lunch and mid afternoon break. i know i can do so much better and i know there are things that are holding me back and i just dont want to be this "happy-go-lucky com" anymore. i refuse to grow old a loser. i refuse to be the same person 10 years from now, still taking all the crap there is. at the risk of being a heartless bitch–i have to wisen up and clean up my act. sometimes, the right decision is not always the easy one. but i must do it.

sylar represents my next move. do not stop until you’ve proven your worth. there might be some collateral damage along the way (dead bodies not counting)– in my case, it’s giving up people, giving up old habits, letting go of past mistakes, looking forward to the future. but this must be.

…or, you can wallow in crap-ville forever.

and i heard ‘em say

i feel like so many things are happening in my life now. there are days when i feel like i’m drowning with too much information…
sometimes i am thinking if i should be bothered. I hear things, i feel things…
i know this has been discussed over and over, of friendships breaking and of people outgrowing each other. it starts little by little…missing faces over morning snack or lunch, until dinner and night outs. empty stares and nonchalant attitude.
i don’t know if this is the effect of things that happened a week ago. but i say it again– i am tired already of whatever this situation entails. i’ have so many freaking things to do: got to take care of PR for the company, got to clean up my act, got to be more matured and reliable, got to be creative…and i just don’t have the time and the energy to deal with too much emotional drama happening around me.
for one, i will never chase D anymore. ive said my piece, ive devoted too much space and agony over this and i just don’t have the guts anymore to face D again. i still go with what i said: i mourn for this friendship but what can i do? i cannot force myself anymore.
i heard people say that i’ve changed…that i am not who im supposed to be. it’s great cos they know who i am–cos even for me, i am also afraid of the  changes happening around me,. of my decisions in life. of my belief in people and circumstances.
for a time i’ve always thought of what people will say and what can i do to make things better for them–not for me. for a time, i heard people say something and i am always the pawn in their game. for a time, i was the nice one.
but eventually  you get tired. so here i am. slowly trying to arrange my life the way i want it to be–in my own terms.

yeah, i heard em say…but i aint listening no more.

on the road.

one of the highlights now of my day is going home with one of my good friends, G. G is a recent addition to the limited number people that i can call "close friend". G and I belong to this group "ALL EVENTS COMMITTEE" — touted to be "selfless" (hehehe) and basically for me–the baddest, coolest group of people ever to handle events for our good old company.

Driving home with G (me in the passenger seat) is a good theraphy from all the shit that i have to go through at the office. the work–which continuously questions my capability (i know i can do it, but sometimes i feel more stupid than ever), the drama (a rift between good friends, and the consequential deadmanhan that follows), and the ugly (the herd mentality, the incompetence, etc). G gives me perspective on things that i seldom see. Maybe because she is a bit older, more mature, a dedicated wife and mother, and a cool friend at that.

on the road with G–we talk about things, on who we were before TNT and before maturity and growing up; and on who we are now and who we hoped to be. G gives me a good look on who i am, reiterating the importance of human values and of knowing who you are. on fridays, G, J, M and I share a common road trip. a short one actually. we go from paranaque to makati or MOA to share a good laugh over silly things that happen at the office. on the road with them i wash away all the anxiety that takes hold of me when i am at the office.

on the road– i get to realize more about what a blessing indeed it is–to know these people, be friends with them. somehow, i never thought we’d click. but we did.

on the road, on G’s car, i get to have my own shrink (no offense, G) who put things in perspective for me. about the messy fight with D which continues to bug me no end. i have to do something about this never say die attitude when it comes to patching things up with D. maybe i need to quit for now, let D think for a while. i finally said my sorry and nothing i do will let D change perspective if he doesnt want to. they say, time heals all wounds–i hope this happens in our case. cos i really miss being friends with D.

friendship–really complicated, but you gotta hold on to those who really matter.

–that’s just another realization while in G’s car.

something new. something sad.

finally, i got brain activity!
wrote this a while back…

twisted thoughts of love

‘am running out of options
on how to treat you right.
cos everyday i succeed
in fanning the flames of hate

more and more, we try
to hold on; to things we believe in.
–steadfast to our twisted thoughts of love.

what used to be stacks
of memory now lay empty spaces
…of poisoned silence and promises scarred.

yet, we move on.
…blindly believing–
"goodbye" is never an option.

so we hold on.
and we bleed,
somewhere along the way.

two lost souls
– chained to twisted thoughts of love

(written May 18, 2007)

on related matters: how do you mourn friendships lost? in my mind, i said a silent goodbye to one of my trusted friends. it is indeed sad when disagreements cause a rift to a good friendship. i am truly devastated…mourning the death of trust and goodwill. ive always said that its hard for me to make friends, so when someone comes along and occupies a fraction of the limited space i allot for new friends in my heart–I really value them all out. i say this over and over. once i consider you a friend–i will be there for you through shit and whatever. but NEVER, EVER disappoint me cos it will really break my heart. it will also automatically remove you from my life. until now, i cannot believe that this has happened. until now, i am sad.