The Flavor of Life

This song is on a repeat mode on my iPod…

The Flavor of Life

*Utada Hikaru

Arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayonara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

tomodachi demo koibito demo nai chuukan chiten de
shuukaku no hi wo yumemiteru aoi furu-tsu
ato ippo ga fumidasenai sei de
jirettai no nan notte? baby~

arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayounara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

amai dake no sasoi monku ajike no nai doku
sonna mono ni wa kyoumi wa sosorarenai
omoitoori ni ikanai toki datte
jinsei suteta mon janai tte

doushita no? to kyuu ni kikareru to “uun. nandemo nai”
sayounara no ato ni kieru egao watashi rashikunai
sinjitai to negaeba negau hodo nandaka setsunai
“aishiteru yo” yori mo “daisuki” no hou ga kimi rashii janai?
The flavor of life

wasurekakete ita hito no omoi wo totsuzen omoidasu koro
furitsumoru yuki no shirosa wo omou to sunao ni yorokobitai yo

daiyamondo yorimo yawarakakute atatakana mirai
teni shitai yo kagiri aru jikan wo kimi to sugoshitai
“arigatou” to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayounara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

(english translation) –

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn’t
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness.
The flavor of life

Stuck midpoint between friends and lovers,
like an un-riped fruit dreaming about the day of harvest
because of being unable to just move one more step forward
what’s causing this frustration baby

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn’t
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness
The flavor of life

Sweet talk and tasteless conversations.
it sparks no interest in me
even when things do not go the way you want
it doesnt mean you’ve thrown your life away

When asked ‘ whats wrong?’
I answer ‘its nothing’
The smile that disappears after goodbye
It’s unlike me

The more i wish to believe in you,
For some reason it hurts even more
‘i like you a lot’ instead of ‘i love you’ sounds more like you
the flavor of life

the period when you suddenly remember the scent of someone you had almost forgotten
I want to be able to openly and honestly cherish the white purity of the falling snow more

A future tender and warmer than a diamond
i want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, i want to spend it with you

when you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesnt
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness
The flavor of life

…best listened to. Utada Hikaru rocks!

will it be the same?

there are things that i should be thankful for.

when i first came back from my singapore trip–i was in hell. the fight here at the office is slowly shredding me to pieces. there are times that i wanted to give up…for a time, i seriously considered quitting work. i was lost and the feeling of wanting to give-up and just get lost from all the negativity was too much. i cannot bear even thinking that i share the room with people who i used to love so much, and yet have come to be blaise about.

i told this to a couple of people, and this is the truth: I DO NOT HATE THEM. The truth is i feel nothing. I was numb and the experience of being alienated and hated for something i did not do and did not recall doing was too much to bear. I do not hate them–how could i, when i used to love them with all my heart, when for a time–they are the ones who made me really smile? I feel nothing for them. No hatred, no anger, no pretense. I feel indifferent and lost. I feel so betrayed. How can people whom i considered as friends–no as family–treat me cruelly? i never felt so much cruelty in my life than that i suffered from them when i came back.

i was determined to spend my life in silence. i will not force myself to people who did not want me, or have no respect for my feelings, or would treat a friend that way. i was determined to be alone.

but time has a way of putting things in perspective.

something i have done have at least built a bridge back to these people. yes, we’re still not the same people back then. and i have a feeling that it will still be a long while before we became what we used to be…

i know there are things that i should tell them. maybe one day, when i finally had the strength and the feeling to say what i have felt that day. but right now, i assure them that my respect for them as human beings, as officemates and as acquiantances remained at the highest level possible. there are just impossibilities as of now of them–gaining that trust, the warmth and affection back again.