ramblings1
i type this as i make do with a rental pc in some crummy shithole somewhere in my area…the pc at home’s busted–as we were force to depend on a pseudo-IT person from the neighborhood so i can do my reports two months ago.
the result: a busted PC, and the fact that i have to depend on a rental to blog.
i feel like am going crazy these days…the highlight of my day has come to be the part where i go home to curl fetal-like in my bed while insider or Entertainment Tonight plays on the background courtesy of the tv. i feel shit most of the days. i hate going to work…but still do cos i have to earn money to pay the bills. am so pathetic! anyway, these days that’s all i do…go directly to my bed and watch tv until i decide to fall asleep. the cycle repeats itself like some ugly telenovela.
on the subject of work– work depresses me no end. even now, i got a slight fever and a bad case of a runny nose. no matter how many medicines i take, i still get sick — i am starting to think it’s a psychological thing. the mere sight of orange can make me cry or go ape shit. the mere mention of my company makes me sick to the pit of my stomach…it’s like having butterflies except you’re not due to speak on stage. i feel that everyday. i lost any interest in spending fifteen minutes in the office bathroom fixing my face…now–it’s like being back in college (powder, sheen and lipstick–that’s it). i lost interest in wearing fasyon clothes. damn, i dress better when im due for the mall to pay my bills.
it saddens me cos i feel like am fading away…like a patient that’s supposed to die but still fighting the big fight. i know the end is somewhere in sight but i just refuse to give up. i seldom go out of the department, i seldom talk to my friends or kid around. i just wanna be left alone to do my work.
the only fun i had (which was for a long time) was the recent Northern Luzon road trip with M, J and E. That was the highlight of first quarter 2008 for me. but other than that– life bores me already. i even refuse to eat. i just lack the energy for it nor the interest to even pretend to be hungry. it’s really sad as i am slowly feel the life of me being zapped away. i don’t know if its the work or just the general hopelessness of things that get to me. i hope i am wrong cos it’s hard to get out of the rut. it’s hard to make yourself care when you don’t. it’s hard to get back to the world of the living when you feel like you’ve died a million deaths…
